i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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