I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
