we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
