His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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