Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
