Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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