i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
