forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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