U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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