My underwear smells like fireworks.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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