On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
