: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
