I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
