You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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