I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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