just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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