My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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