I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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