when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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