i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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