This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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