Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
