I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
