Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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