The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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