Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
