I can't watch pbs sober anymore
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
