I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
