i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She told me I should be a condom model.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
