How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
