I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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