you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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