Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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