Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
