I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
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She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
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Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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