i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
