He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just found puke in my bra..
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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