That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
