Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
