My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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