I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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