She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
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that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
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Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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