I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
