Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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