Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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