Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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