I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
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I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
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a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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