conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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