I accidentally burped into my bong.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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