Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
only if we run a train.
done.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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