it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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