I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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