Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
