i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
