hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
