I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
